Pengor: Penguin of Doom

Arch Nemesis

2006-09-14T13:10:00.000Z

Arch Nemesis

At last, my life has meaning.

I am now Oficial Arch Nemesis to this poor, deluded chap who thinks he's going to take over the world from his super-secret undersea base.

Poor, poor Voltan.

He promises to burn books, but if he comes anywhere near my 'Mrs Beeton's Big Book of Fish Recipes', he'll be feeling the sharp end of my beak, I can tell you for nothing.

Sea base? He'd better learn to swim.

Arch Nemesising is the best job ever.

2006-08-28T12:43:00.000Z

All about Meme

Greetings puny humans. I appear to have become the victim of an internet meme. Any chance to spread the PLA(O) message...

1 Things that scare me
Nothing!
I fear nothing, Puny Humans! You have been warned!
Maybe trees.

2 People who make me laugh
Those who believe that Penguin Liberation Front will not rule the world when the Revolution comes!
Squirrels.
Puny Humans.

3 Things I hate the most
Squirrels.
McDonalds, for their crimes against perfectly good fish.
Puny Humans.

4 Things I don't understand
Gloria Fishfinger
Quantum mechanics (but I have a book)
Puny Humans

5 Things I'm doing right now
Plotting the Revolution
Eating fish
Gloria Fishfinger

6 Things I want to do before I die
Remove all traces of Zoo Keepers from the face of the planet!
Anihilate all Puny Humans from the face of the planet!
Gloria Fishfinger in an all you can eat fish restaurant.

7 Things I can do
Bring about the destruction of all Puny Humans!
Gloria Fishfinger
Make a rather tasty fish pie

8 Ways to describe my personality
Generous
Kind
Not at all egocentric or maniacal

9 Things I can't do
Nothing!
There is nothing I cannot do, Puny Humans! The world will be mine, and the fish along with it!
Maybe make Gloria Fishfinger give me a gobble. I'm still trying though.

10 Things I think you should listen to
Me!
ME!
MEMEMEMEMEME!

11 Things you should never listen to
Anybody who oppresses Penguins
Zoo Keepers
Coldplay. They will die, along with the rest of the Puny Humans, oh yes.

12 Things I'd like to learn
How to operate the Laser beam I have recently aquired
How to bring about the demise of all Puny Humans before next Tuesday
How to get Gloria Fishfinger to give me a gobble.

13 Favorite foods
Fish
Fish and chips
The entrails of Zoo Keepers

14 Beverages I drink regularly
Water
Fish cocktails
Fish oil

15 Shows I watched as a kid
Tomorrow's World
Citizen Smith. He had a good idea, although he was a mere Puny Human
Rick Stein's Fish Oddessey

16 People I'm tagging (to do this meme)
I do not care about the opinions of Puny Humans. There is no one greater than myself who could be of interest to me.
Maybe Gloria Fishfinger

2006-07-18T08:01:00.000Z

Woe

So I woke up this morning, rolled over to cop a quick feel from the gorgeous Gloria Fishfinger and fell twenty feet out of a tree, horribly denting my beak as the hard, hard ground fortuitously broke my fall.

I haven't been up a tree since I sold my ladder to that nice chap with the giraffe infestation. I ask myself: W T and indeed F?

2006-06-23T06:05:00.000Z

Egg

Not dead.

I have spent the last two months sitting on the lovely Gloria Fishfinger's latest egg. At least, we both assumed it was an egg, but it turned out to be a very round pebble with the words "A present from Brighton" written on the side, which was a present from her aunt. She is in Brighton, buying rocks that look like eggs.

Bollocks.

Still, it's nice to get away from it all.

Gloria is now sitting on our latest egg. At least, she thinks it's an egg.

*cough* Done a poo *cough*

2006-04-27T08:13:00.000Z

Oh man, look at those penguins go

These guys are my heroes. Give them a decent target, eg the fish counter at Tescos, and civilisation as we know it may collapse.

Kill! KILL! And get me a nice Icthyosaur while you're at it. With chips.

2006-03-08T15:50:00.000Z

Penguin Cam

A webcam. With Penguins.

Is there no end to this snooping?

2006-02-20T21:22:00.000Z

Egg

Hooray for egg!

Isle of Wight penguins have a chick. A chick that replaces the poor, dead Toga.

It's rather pleasing to see the Daily Mail asking readers for suitable names. I cannot imagine the true identity of "S Canard, Weymouth", however.

2006-01-21T11:21:00.000Z

Bingo!

Dinner is served.

All you can eat buffet stranded in Central London.

2006-01-03T14:12:00.000Z

Happy New Year

And a quick glance at Old Fishie's Almanack says: "This will be a great year to launched an armed revolution to liberate the penguin masses from their human oppressors. Free fish for all!"

But then, he says that every year. I get the feeling he's making it all up.

2005-12-20T16:21:00.000Z

GaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHH!

GaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHH!

I am an angry penguin.

GaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHH!

This makes me so angry, I just want to find the bastards who did it and peck their evil faces off until they scream for mercy through the ragged, bleeding slash that their mouths have become, and then peck them some more just to make sure they never breed again.

Given the chance, there will be some sever penguin-flavoured running amok, I can tell you for nothing.

GaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHH!

In summary: GaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHH!

2005-12-05T19:16:00.000Z

Fishmas!

Fishmas - my favourite time of year! All the little penguins crowd round the Fishmas tree and wait for the present's Father Fishmas has for them. If you're good - a mighty salmon or a mackerel selection box. If you've been bad - a whelk.

Last year I got a whelk.

2005-10-04T21:39:00.000Z

Another blow for Penguin Liberation

A raid on the Britain's largest vinegar factory next door to Windscale nuclear power station as part of our ongoing campaign to liberate fish supplies from you, the flat-faced, featherless human oppressors of penguin-kind.

A total success for the cause, with Mr Flippers acquitting himself superbly with a fierce peck to the bollocks on the security guard, allowing free reign to do our work. Let's put it this way - we couldn't find the gents lav, and believe you me, you wouldn't want vinegar on your fish and chips for the time being.

Also: I wouldn't have the tartare sauce either, if I were you.

2005-09-25T15:26:00.000Z

Fish of the Week

Yes, dear readers, today marks the long awaited return of the Fish of the Week column, where I examine the finest fish in the seven seas, and eat them.

This week: The Blenny.

As you can see from this particular example, it is not tied to a tree. Therefore, this fish can be positively described as a "Blenny on the Loose".

Rather nice whole, or which chips and peas. Or, simply, you can fire it out of a cannon at your worst enemy and watch the enraged Blenny rip their face off, dismember them, and throw their still thrashing body around like a rag doll. Hang on, that's Killer Whales.

The Blenny. Probably makes a nice pet.

Last terrible Blenny pun:

Favourite song - Elton John's Blenny and the Jets. I thank you.

2005-09-02T11:38:00.000Z

adopt your own virtual pet!

2005-07-03T09:50:00.000Z

Excellent!

Monkeys vs Penguins.

There can be only one.

Also: A sordid little tale of underage penguin sex, domestic violence, teenage eggs and mail-order dating. And I thought I had it bad with that slattern Gloria Fishfinger.

2005-06-28T17:15:00.000Z

TV Spot

Coming up on the National Geographic Channel next month - a programme called "Penguin Death Zone".

Now, excuse me if I don't get totally excited about this, but it doesn't sound as if me and my good friends of the PLA(O) are going to be issued with shooters and get ourselves filmed running about whoopin' an' shootin' like a bunch of good ol' boys on a deer hunt.

On the other hand, I've got my best fish-firing cannon at the ready, so why not?

2005-06-24T13:23:00.000Z

The truth about penguin smuggling

I'm cute. Girls like me, and I don't need expensive batteries. Which is, perhaps, why we keep getting kidnapped from zoos.

Still, I can can tell you a really funny story about Chelsea Clinton and the entire female cast of Riverdance.

2005-06-16T11:41:00.000Z

Solidarity!

News reaches PLA(O) headquarters of our friends and allies fighting with the Fisheban on the Afghan/Pakistan border. These exclusive photographs sent by carrier penguin via our spies, shows none other than Osama bin Penguin heading into a cave "for a bit of a bunk up" with the lovely Gloria Fishfinger.

Hang on. That's MY Gloria Fishfinger. Damn you bin Laden! War is declared on Al-Turbot. Just you wait.

2005-06-08T16:13:00.000Z

Penguin / Duckie

Oh lordy! The gay penguins are back!

Call me Mr Homophobe-o-Penguin if you like, but I couldn't help noticing that these are King Penguins. Shouldn't they be called Queens, then?

2005-06-06T13:15:00.000Z

Fish smuggler

She keep tropical fish. In her underpants.

2005-05-24T10:17:00.000Z

Jail, again

Another blow for Penguin Liberation after yours truly did another 28 days at Her Majesty's Pleasure following the rather unfortunate end to Operation Fishy Freedom, a raid on Harbour Fisheries that bagged us enough seafood to last well into the next century.

Unfortunately, the lovely Gloria Fishfinger had left our escape vehicle parked on a double yellow, and got herself distracted by the contents of Top Shop. Result: clamped, nicked, and a hideous credit card bill to boot.

And just my luck that the beak was a bit of a fish fan himself and resented my liberation of the town's entire supply, which had to be destroyed for fear of "flipper rot", whatever that is. To be fair, he actually gave me the choice of 2 hours of community work, acting as a traffic cone outside the Town Hall or a month in the jug. And by God, I've got standards to maintain.

Still, 28 days away from the Mrs, and my cell-mate Bubba hardly bummed me at all. Lucky old me.

2005-04-19T11:46:00.000Z

Fishy

Just as I suspected. There appears to be a traitor in our midst. I shall ask my assistant Graham if he's got any ideas.

[Thanks to Sideshow for the pic]

2005-04-05T18:21:00.000Z

Election 2005

Vote for me! Me! Me! ME!

Disturbed by the lack of progress from the armed struggle for penguin rights and fish, I shall now be standing as parliamentary candidate for Dorset South, Britain's most marginal seat, and the home of at least three rather good fish shops.

What can possbily go wrong?

Vote Penguin - a fish in every fridge.

2005-03-15T12:05:00.000Z

Beware of Texans wielding guns

I see my recent post regarding His Holiness drew a certain amount of criticism in the comments from a holier-than-thou shut-up-you-proles-I'm-far-more-intelligent-than-you college type residing in Lone Star State.*

Good.

*Though I am prepared to forgive him for his love of Neil Gaiman's American Gods. But then, we can't all be imperfect.

2005-03-11T12:06:00.000Z

Popery

I hereby apply for the job of Pope. I've got my own suit and my deep knowledge of the fishs will stand me in good stead for all the theological guff.

I shall take the name Feathers. Pope Feathers. I will officially rock the Vatican.

There's nothing like offensive comedy to make your lunch come out of your nose like a dead pharoah's brains, and this is the bestest sickest comedy I have ever read.

52 funniest things about the Pope dying

I suspect this would make Ian Paisley laugh like a mad bastard.

2005-02-24T09:36:00.000Z

P Diddy on the PLA(O) hitlist

The bastard! Kidnapping my penguin comrades and forcing them to listen to loud (c)rap music. And NOT ONE PERSON offered them a drink and a bowl of peanuts.

So, Diddy, you too your name has gone on ze list.

Besides, there's only one artist that any penguin with taste will listen to: Fish.

2005-02-15T19:06:00.000Z

Those gay penguins

It's a fake to destroy the morale of the penguin army, those insensitive human bastards.

Try to convince me otherwise, and I'll scratch your eyes out.

2005-01-30T17:27:00.000Z

Damn that duck

More ducks than you can shake a shitty stick at.

Sod that, I'm going to get a stick and crap on it. Then we'll see who the best water-going bird is round here.

2005-01-18T13:44:00.000Z

Fish News

Life imitates Viz.

Billy the Fish lands job at Carlisle United Football Club - will play in goal next Saturday. Still if he can pick up sexy young laydez like the one pictured, more power to his fin, I say.

2005-01-02T11:28:00.000Z

Crappy New Year

Hogmanay spent honking rich, brown, fish-flavoured vomit into the gutter as payment for my wanton excesses.

My wife, the lovely Gloria Fishfinger, is no longer on speaking terms with me, and has taken young Leonid and The Egg "back to mother's" until I sober up.

Does she not understand that the leadership of a successful group of avian freedom fighters HAS to get outrageously drunk and flirt with other penguins on a regular basis? He have to maintain our connections with the feathered proletariat somehow, and this means many a late night session where our comrades hang out. Pubs. Bars. Strip joints.

Little known fact: the October Revolution in Russia was hatched in a St Petersburg pole-dancing club called "Natasha's".

One morning, The Glorious Day will dawn, and the country will have drunken, naked floozies to thank for it. You mark my words.

2004-12-21T16:29:00.000Z

So it's come to this

So it's come to this. So broke are we after the debcale of the Penguin Liberation Army (Officials) Fishmas party, that I have been forced into paid work. If that were not humiliating enough, I have broken one of the very principles I hold dear to my little pengy heart.

I am a waiter in a posh restaurant. And yes, I have my own tuxedo. However, I am exempt from wearing a bow-tie for medical reasons (ie my lack of opposable thumbs prevents me from tying the thing, and my BUPA insurance does not go as far as having a couple grafted on, not that I'd want these symbols of human oppression).

It is, by far, the most depressing experience of my life, and if you, by chance were to pay a visit to the establishment where I am working, I would strongly advise against ordering the clam chowder.

Send more money and fish.

2004-12-08T14:27:00.000Z

Merry Fishmas, my arse

Whoever spiked the mock fish pudding with paintstripper is in big, big trouble. The Penguin Army has been reduced to a stumbling, groaning, hungover wreck for the last two weeks in our failed attempts to finish it all off.

Waste not, want not, my old mum used to say.

2004-11-22T18:37:00.000Z

Merry Fishmas!

Yes puny humans - it's that time of year again!

November 22nd and Father Fishmas comes down the chimney and leaves fishs for all the good little penguins to celebrate something that's probably a lot to do with fish.

The observant amongst you will already have noticed that your average penguin on the ice cap doesn't tend to have a chimney on his nest, but that doesn't stop them from spending several weeks building one out of sea-weed, kelp and penguin poop, just so they won't be disappointed when Father Fishmas comes to visit.

Penguins who have been bad aren't so lucky. They can expect a Fishmas stocking filled with a giant squid with a huge googly eye that won't stop staring at you. And a crab. One of those big spiky bulletpoof Japanese ones with googly eyes and claws that won't let go of your beak.

Guess what I got, and I'd hardly been evil at all this year, apart from that business with the United Nations and the gun that fires raw eels at people. Mrs Pengor - the lovely Gloria Fishfinger - is on the phone to the Italian restaurant as we speak.

2004-11-09T22:04:00.000Z

Skint, again

I write this from a cardboard box in the middle of the Weymouth Rubbish Tip. The price of mock fish (sole trader: Pengor World Incorporated) has gone through the floor after it somehow got out that we are peddling baby poop to the fast food restaurants of the world.

All of a sudden, we've gone from multi-squillionaire entrepreneurs to down-and-outs living off mock fish in the rough end of town.

My only hope is that some nice chap from a company called Halliburton is going to take a job lot off our flippers to feed to the brave troops in Iraq, twenty grand a ton, a crate of Stinger missiles for the Penguin Liberation Army* and no questions asked. God bless you Mr Cheney, and a clear lesson that cheats really do prosper.

* We told him that Polar Bears are a front organisation for Al Qaeda and he believed us. SUCKER!

2004-10-20T13:46:00.000Z

Mocking the Fish

Chatfish - a chatroom where you log in an chat to other fishs. If only they knew.

I'm going to arrange a meet-up. Don't forget the chips!

2004-10-08T08:39:00.000Z

Mock Fish, again

Another blow for the Penguin Liberation Army (Officials)! With the world supply of mock fish gleaned from refrigerator door gunk already drying up thanks to you puny humans' never-ending appetite for Fillet-o-Fish, we have since discovered a new source for the stuff.

Waddling round the local dump looking for my contact lenses, I stumbling across what appears to be an endless supply, ready packed in small, perfumed plastic bags, and indistinguishable from the real thing. Mock Fish! Tons and tons of it! The answer to our prayers and a veritable goldmine for the undiscerning supplier to the restaurant trade.

Mr Pampers and Mr Huggies - the penguin army salutes you!

2004-09-29T09:33:00.000Z

Fish: An appreciation

Greetings puny humans! Let me tell you how much I love fish. A lot, that's how much.

I love fish, they're grate, and I will fight till the last breath in my sleek, feathery body for a penguin's right to piscean comestibles.

Big fishs, little fishs, fat fishs, spiky fishs, fishy fish fish fish fish fish. Deep fried.

To this end, are elite fighters of the Penguin Liberation Army (Officials) have gained control of the world's entire McDonalds Fillet-o-fish supply, and have replaced it with mock fish.

Mock fish made of that grey stuff you find growing in fridge doors.

Nobody has noticed.

2004-09-17T05:59:00.000Z

I wish to register a complaint

THIS appeared in the duck's referrer logs recently.

Rubber penguins? RUBBER? What is wrong, pray, with the real thing?

2004-09-09T11:50:00.000Z

Greetings puny Numanoids

This is all rather spiffy. Penguins, ottters, singing fishs, Gary Numan (official musician to the Penguin Liberation Army - FACT!), the works.

And by the same author...

2004-09-02T09:14:00.000Z

Surf's up, puny humans!

Yeti Sports 6.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

2004-08-27T10:39:00.000Z

Ouch

OuchOuchOuchOuchOuchOuch.

Ouch.

Those badgers really know how to fight dirty. My plumage is all over the place, and it didn't help when a fish prematurely exploded in my face.

If we weren't already at war, this means war.

2004-08-20T00:13:00.000Z

Mushroom, mushroom

Greetings puny humans. What is it with badgers these days? Once upon a time cute cuddly little creatures, snuffling round the undergrowth and giving people TB, the next rampaging beasts mowing down old grannies in their Ford Mondeos while pumped up on drum'n'bass, planning the collapse of modern society and everything we hold dear with their newly-found friends in Al-Qaeda.

What happened to these formerly docile creatures? They weathered the scourge of near 100 per cent unemployment under the Thatcher government with good grace and dignity, and now, in the face of globalization and a xenophobic Bush foreign policy, they've got bored with making crop circles and writing indignant letters to The Times and taken arms against their human oppressors.

While we cower in our homes, highly trained ninja badgers have formed themselves into terrifying dojos, going round painting fences, walking with great stealth across ricepaper and beating the crap out of people in slow motion. And what the hell is David Blunkett doing about this menace? Shagging about, that's what.

Well, I for one, will not bow down before our new badger overlords, and have made it my life's work to prepare the world in the face of this stripy menace. Welcome, then, to my Dojo. Forget the Pengor of old - he no longer exists. Behold, now, Pengor-san master of the mysterious oriental art known to its adherants as The Way of the Exploding Fish. I'm a fifth Dan you know, which is complete bollocks, I've never met Dan in my life.

At last penguin and human-kind fighting together in harmony. They get the world. We get fish, which sounds a great deal to me. The war has begun, glasshopper.

2004-08-12T09:42:00.000Z

Footie

If you want to get in the world these days, you've got to buy a football team. That rich geezer bought Chelsea as a front for his plan to take over the world with evil robot footie stars, and by God, we at the Penguin Liberation Army (Officials) are going to do the same.

Bit of a problem with the budget, mind. Chelsea bloke's got trillions from his oil, gas and aluminium empire, while all we've got is the contents of the bins behind Mac Fisheries, which the lovely, if ballooning Gloria Fishfinger is slowly working her way through.

Still, with our investment of 37p and as many fish heads as they can eat, there's no reason why St Winifird's School Choir Girls XI can't be up there with your Tottenham and Hove Uniteds and Manchester Wednesdays any time now.

Big match on Saturday against Dorchester County Hospital Children's Ward IX (two of them cried off with rabies, the wimps) in which I've picked myself to play up front in the Thierry Henry role. Only with fishs. And decidedly more talent, if you ask me.

2004-08-02T18:41:00.000Z

Summer

God I love the hot weather -Fish-flavoured ice lollies all round!

2004-07-15T11:13:00.000Z

Miserable Git

And crabs! Which damn fool invented crabs? Are you supposed to eat them or use them as spanners? And Tiger Sharks, a penguin's just not safe anywhere these days without fear and loathing waiting behind every corner.

As you can tell, the War of Penguin Liberation is not going at all well. A new approach is needed after my Gun That Turns Enemies into Fishs was confiscated by The Man. So we have devised Operation Blackmail.

Simple. We send a fish to famous celebrity types - Royal Mail, second clas, giving them plenty of time to go off - and we keep sending them until they give us all their money and/or the keys to their Ferrari. First target: TV's Kirstie Allsopp - we have to go for the big players first or this whole thing'll be a washout.

2004-07-09T13:05:00.000Z

On Jellyfish

Now, I'm a party-loving Penguin, and I like nothing better that getting tanked up on a Friday night on real ale and pickled onions, but could somebody please enlighten me on what the blummin' fuck jellyfish are about?

You never see them served with ice cream, and never in all my days have I found a strawberry flavoured one. It's all a big con if you ask me.

2004-06-30T14:34:00.000Z

Right you bastards

This means war.

2004-06-17T08:12:00.000Z

Is there no end to this madness?

Brand new Yeti Sports game. Stop going backwards you bastard!

All Hail McFlimby!

Best. Penguin. Pictures. Ever. This man is clearly a God-like genius.

2004-06-11T16:10:00.000Z

Penguin army on exercise

Top quality flash game with penguins, bazzin' music and ninjas.

2004-06-08T15:04:00.000Z

Games!

Get the penguin in the pool.

Hey - there's nothing I like better than risking life and limb with penguin-eating polar bears and a length of knicker elastic. Some people pay good money for that kind of thing.

2004-05-31T09:39:00.000Z

On Shellfish

Oysters. Now they're funny, aren't they? Speaking as a penguin, I'm not averse to a nice bit of fish, preferably deep-fried with a nice portion of chips. And a pickled onion. But oysters, what the blummin' hell are they about then?

Peck as hard as you like and you can't get them open. With the tragic lack of opposable thumbs, I can't work a tin opener, even if the buggers evolved one on the side of their shell. And when you do get them open, what do you get? Some horrible slimy stuff that looks like ladies' parts. What a rip-off.

Cockles.

Whelks.

And don't get me started on crabs, the vicious bastards.

2004-05-23T19:04:00.000Z

Arseclouds!

I'm sure there's a branch of Mac Fisheries in this sodding town.

2004-05-19T07:18:00.000Z

Kidnap

Send all the fish in the world, or the penguin comes back in a matchbox.

I didn't do it.

2004-05-12T09:20:00.000Z

Fish, again

I thought I'd just take a break from the struggle of Man versus Penguin to say how much I like fish.

A lot, that's how much.

Thank you.

Send fish.

2004-05-07T13:34:00.000Z

Penguin of Death

This is the kind of penguin we need in the Penguin Liberation Army (Officials) if we're ever to get out of pokey and beat The Man at his own game.

With this deadly bullet-proof penguin on our side, it is only a matter of time and expensive Penguin of Death fees before the world is ours. Send him money and fish, or I fear I shall be stuck here forever on this stale bread and water diet. Stale water. How do they manage it?

2004-04-30T07:40:00.000Z

Still in the Jug

How's a penguin supposed to take over the world locked up eighteen hours a day at Belmarsh Prison with some bloke wo claims he's the only twenty stone man to have ridden a derby winner? If I hadn't been born flightless I would have got out of here days ago, and flippers are just frankly shit for digging an escape tunnel. We only get fish here every Tuesday - this is intolerable. Now I know what drove Jeffrey Archer mad.

There will be hell to pay when I get out of here, you mark my words. Only another twenty-seven years to go.

2004-04-18T09:40:00.000Z

Nicked

So I said to the Judge, "You're nothing but a tool of the human repression of penguin-kind. How can it be theft if those fish were lying around in the shop window, just asking for us to take them? Hang on, that's a wig, isn't it?", and he gave me an extra seven days in the jug. Punk.

Bretheren! Let us not be downhearted! Look on the bright side of this fiasco - no one dropped the soap in the showers, and we have forged important connections with the criminal underworld - the causes of Penguin and Stoat Liberation are now as one!

I am now a genuine jailbird, just like all the great revolutionary leaders, like Nelson Mandela, Lech Walesa and ...err... Adolf Hitler. And I bet Nelson never had to share his cell with a bunch of Pygmy Shrews involved in an illegal immigration racket.

2004-04-05T08:03:00.000Z

Raid

Today, we shall be mostly leading a raid on the local fishmongers.

Those poor, downtrodden fish shall be LIBERATED from the yoke of human oppression by the brave fighters of the Penguin Liberation Army (Officials). And - ha hah ha! - we won't even pay for them, unless asked nicely by Mr Grimley behind the counter.

Then we shall eat them.

2004-03-30T16:08:00.000Z

Rocket Pack

I want one of those. Funny, it doesn't appear to have any brakes.

2004-03-26T08:37:00.000Z

Art for art's sake

Red hot B3ta penguin madness here and here.

Top banana.

2004-03-24T15:52:00.000Z

TV Star

Behold! The Penguin Cam.

Is nothing sacred? It'll be Penguin Big Brother next. And Penguin Idol. And loads of other trashy TV shows with Penguin in the title.

It is pleasing, however, to note that most of the images received so far seem to be of penguins' arses.

2004-03-16T10:15:00.000Z

Shhh!

All quiet on the Penguin Front. Not that we haven't been busy. The lads are out on exercise with the spaceship, the dirty bomb (that's the one that's filled with used underwear and goes off in the proximity of Benny Hill) and our brand new gun that turns dog crap into fish.

Along with our death ray that turns traffic bollards into pole dancers, it won't be long before the Penguin Army will be martching into a town near you with fish that smell like turds (it's a design flaw that we might need to sort out soon) and buxom young ladies in improbable clothing.

It's all top secret though, so don't go telling anyone, least of all my Mrs.

2004-03-10T14:19:00.000Z

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Like I said: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

2004-03-04T10:54:00.000Z

New Job

Yay! I've got a new job as Minister for Information on Isle Getty-Battler. Where?

Clicky to embiggen

2004-02-27T13:30:00.000Z

More penguin sports

Shove-a-penguin: look on the bright side, at least there's no clubbing.

2004-02-24T19:26:00.000Z

At last my life has purpose

New version of the penguin clubbing game, only with more blood and gore. 911.1 to beat.

2004-02-20T10:02:00.000Z

Penguin News

Police free German bondage penguin. The manky old spunker. I can get that sort of thing for a very reasonable rate from Madame Fishy's up the Dorchester Road, and nine times out of ten she remembers where she's left the keys.

2004-02-18T13:08:00.000Z

Vote!

The Penguin Liberation Army (Officials) is proud to endorse Gay Penguin for President of the United States of America. Even if he is bumgay and has no official policy on the illegal mixing of fish and pickled onions.

2004-02-16T17:46:00.000Z

I'm not saying Trevor's an unlucky penguin...

...but there's no way I'm having him in my army.

2004-02-12T09:19:00.000Z

The further adventures of Trevor

2004-02-11T15:21:00.000Z

Stunt Penguins

Had enough of clubbing penguins with baseball bats? Run them over with a giant snowball instead. You bastards.

2004-02-09T15:41:00.000Z

Poop

Disaster with the space ship. Young Lenny was converting the dashboard so we could have a poppy-out cigarette lighter when he went and blew a fuse, the bent-flippered idiot.

Does anyone know where we can get hold of a di-lithium crystal at short notice in this solar system? We've got top penguins working on converting the thing to run on polar bear shit, but progress is slow.

2004-02-06T07:43:00.000Z

The further adventures of Trevor

2004-02-04T09:44:00.000Z

The adventures of Trevor

2004-02-02T15:18:00.000Z

Ziiiiiiiiiiiim!

Just getting the hang of the Klingon bird of wossname now. Not bad going seeing as the controls weren't designed for flippers, and they had huge angry fists in mind when they flung the thing together.

Someone tell the owners of the Queen Mary 2 that we're very, very sorry, and we'll pay for any damage.

2004-01-28T09:23:00.000Z

Yum

Dinner. Is. Served.

2004-01-27T09:51:00.000Z

The Undiscovered Country

Problems with the Klingon Bird of Prey we snaffled last week.

Number one: The Klingons want it back. Somehow they do not appreciate the phrase "hire purchase". Which is a load of bollocks if you ask me - we saved up Green Shield Stamps for years to try to get one, and they don't accept them on Kronos.

Number Two: The Romulans take grave exception to the Spirit of Fish flying around in "their" space, the great bunch of pointy-eared pooves. Just wait until we get our gun that turns them into IKEA coffee tables working, then they'll be laughing out of the other side of their drinks mats.

Number Three: Captain Kirk. What a tart. Look wiggy, just leave it alone, will ya?

Christ on a bike, we haven't even managed to get the thing home yet and the whole universe is out to get us.

And when we do, we'll be beaming up whales, just like in the movie, and then.... dinner is served!

2004-01-23T09:31:00.000Z

Fun with fishs

I don't care if it's got dolphins an' stuff in it - My eyes! My eyes!

2004-01-22T14:12:00.000Z

For all you penguin clubbers

I call this "Pengy's revenge"

2004-01-21T08:42:00.000Z

Games!

Games! With penguins!

Polar Rescue. Nope, I haven't the foggiest idea what it's about either.

How far can you hit a penguin? Don't worry folks, he's a stunt penguin.

2004-01-19T17:45:00.000Z

Stuff

Today, the Penguin Liberaton Army took delivery of its latest bit of equipment. A Klingon Bird of Prey, complete with cloaking device, photon torpedos and a big gun that turns our enemies into IKEA coffee tables.

The only problem we have is that our only source of dilithium crystals comes from distilling polar bears' piss and mixing it with diced up members of the Young Conservatives. The polar bears I can just about live with, it's the Tories that really turn my stomach.

Ah well, the price we have to pay for the revolution.

2004-01-15T09:03:00.000Z

The BIG Question

Why do penguins live at the South Pole and Polar Bears at the North?

Look, it's simple. They're a bunch of bastards with no table manners and questionable personal hygiene. I'd rather have sex with a walrus that be seen with Mr Hairy with half a Canadian seal clubber still stuck between his teeth.

Did I say they were a bunch of bastards?

2004-01-12T16:35:00.000Z

Come on then!

You're all a bunch of soft jessies.

2004-01-08T12:48:00.000Z

It's the all-fish diet y'know

Never under-estimate the power of penguin poo.

2004-01-07T11:09:00.000Z

Fishs!

Best. Website. Ever.

Reads like a menu from my favouritest restaurant.

2004-01-05T07:30:00.000Z

Backski

Oh Jebus, what a New Year that was. Not only are we banned from the Ming Wah Chinese restaurant (again), but we've gone and got ourselves banned from the Club Fish forever. You know the story by now - drink, drink, drink, sweet young puffins at the bar, Gloria Fishfinger gets the wrong idea when I suggest a fun three-in-a-nest, drink, drink, drink, guns get involved, and it was downhill from there.

Still, after a night in the cells, she seems to have cooled down a bit. Women, eh? Can't take a joke.

2003-12-19T09:57:00.000Z

Christmas

It's no good, dear readers. We got thoroughly bollocksed last night at the PLA(O) Christmas Party on Babychams, and the revolution is off until I can get this chainsaw out of my head.

The whole thing was the most disgusting spectacle. We started with a rather sedate meal at the Ming Wah Chinese Restaurant (resisting the lure of Wimpy's over the road), one thing led to another - or rather a prolonged session in the Black Dog led to a night of hedonism at the Club Fish - and the fighting capacity of the Penguin Army has been reduced to zero at least for the forseeable future.

Furthermore, I am disgusted by the behaviour of Miss Gloria Fishfinger, who, as you all know, is not my girlfriend, after her striptease act at four in the morning. Honestly, you can't take her anywhere, and the fines have completely wiped out our fighting fund.

Once we've all sobered up, it looks like a prolonged fund-raising and training regime for our lads. 2004 will be the year of the Great Penguin Revolution, you mark my words. You puny humans won't know what hit you. Here's a clue: wet fish.

Until my forthcoming presidential address, I bid you a Happy Christmas and a fishy New Year.

2003-12-16T21:16:00.000Z

Paintmash!

2003-12-15T06:55:00.000Z

Love is...

Yay for Ice Zebra! (Now holder of the Order of the Penguin (First Class) for services to penguin-ness. Though I'm somewhat at a loss as to how he got a camera into Pengor Towers while the lovely Gloria Fishfinger was visiting.

And yet more Ice Zebra penguinicity. Larf!

2003-12-11T13:36:00.000Z

War news

I hereby declare that countries opposed to our totally legal invasion of the United States of America, and subsequent toppling of the puppet Bush regime will be excluded from bidding for contracts in the reconstruction of this shattered, plundered nation.

No! We shall go it alone pulling down McDonalds restaurants and branches of Wal*Mart, replacing them with good wholesome and patriotic Fish and Chip shops, and licenced outlets selling pickled onions. That'll teach those polar bear bastards for vetoing us in the United Nations.

2003-12-09T12:53:00.000Z

Penguin Army

Penguin Army! Quick March!

Lovely boys.

2003-12-08T07:37:00.000Z

Fiction Factory

I see my arch-nemesis has been writing crappy stories again. Stolen from his hard-drive:

The Penguin Who Loved Me

Fletcher was an angry penguin. He was so angry his beak quivered and his tiny tail feathers stood on end. Somebody had stolen his pickled onions, and he was hopping up and down with fury. These weren’t just any old pickled onions you can buy at the supermarket, either. These were special, top quaility pickled onions made by his friend Mr Li that were so strong they had to be handled very carefully with oven gloves in case they exploded and wrecked the entire kitchen. They were Fletcher’s favourite food, apart from fish and chips, and it appeared that somebody had made off with them as well.

It had all happened so quickly. There he was, pottering about the kitchen of his little flat above Mr Li’s chip shop, rustling up a light mid-afternoon snack of pickled onions, fish, chips and a few more pickled onions as a pickly oniony garnish when it had happened. As he worked, he sang a little song:

“Fishy fishy fishy fish fish fish
Stick it on your dishy dish dish dish
With a pickled onion or three
You can have it for your tea... SQUAWWWWNK!”

He only turned his back for a second to get the salt and vinegar when there was the sound of rapidly approaching feet, a loud BOI-OI-OI-OING!!! and the screech of tyres of a car driving away at speed. When he turn round again to see what was happening, they were gone. Fish, chips, pickled onions, the lot. He was fuming. He would have phoned the police station right away, except somebody had stolen the phone too. And three hours later, he was still scratching his head trying to find a rhyme for SQUAWWWWNK.

But what made Fletcher even more angry was that he was sure his friends were laughing about a girlfriend he didn’t have.

Fletcher waddled as fast as he could into the living room to report the theft to his friends, all huddled round a games console playing Fish Wars II: Attack of the Halibut.

“Lads! Lads! It’s an emergency!” was all he could manage before he was stopped short by a sea of grinning penguin faces.

“So Fletch,” asked Ives, the newest member of the gang, “Are you going out Gloria Fishfinger or not?” If he had eyebrows, he would have wiggled them.

“Ooooooohhhhhh!!!!!”

Fletcher was close to exploding with anger as his friends enjoyed at good laugh at his expense.

Gloria Fishfinger was one of the penguins that worked for the chip shop on the other side of the harbour, who had caught Fletcher’s eye with her rather cut, pointed beak. Not to mention the fact that she and Fletcher were the only two Emperor Penguins in town, with Weymouth rapidly filling up with Adelies, Humboldts and the tufted heads of the Rockhoppers. He first met her at Club Fish, Weymouth’s most exclusive night club with held a “Penguins Only” night on Thursdays, and the town had been abuzz with rumours ever since.

“Look!” he declared, “I am NOT going out with Gloria Fishfinger! I don’t even like her.”

“Then how come we all saw you dancing with her at Club Fish the other night?” asked Lenny.

He sighed the sigh of someone who had explained himself one hundred times before and was about to do it all again: “I wasn’t dancing with Gloria Fishfinger”, he said, demonstrating his best Penguin dance that made him look like a balloon being jerked on the end of a string, “I was dancing PAST her.”

“Heard it!” chorused the other penguins. Fletcher continued with his defence.

“It was when I tripped over Flossie here,” he said , pointing to his eight inch tall Adelie penguin friend, “that things got a bit messy. Good thing she was there to give me mouth-to-mouth resusitation. That could have been a nasty accident.”

The friends could barely suppress their laughter.

“So you’re not going out with her then?” asked Mossie.

“We just run into each other every now and then.”

“So you won’t be meeting her at the Pavillion Theatre Thursday night at 7pm, wear your best penguin suit and don’t be late, and make sure your breath doesn’t smell of pickled onions?”

“Ah. But we’re not going out. It’s a charity fundraiser for homeless puffins. We’re going to see the priceless and world-famous Golden Carrot.”

“Whatever you say, Fletchy-Wetchy.”

“Ooooooohhhhhh!!!!! That’s it! And I only came in to tell you we’ve been robbed.”

“Robbed?”

“All my pickled onions. And the chips. Gone.”

“Did you see anyone?”

“That’s the thing, just a blur with long ears and a fluffy tail. I couldn’t help noticing a plentiful supply of raisins on the kitchen floor. Get a dustpan and brush and they’re all yours.”

“Fletch,” said Lenny, who was watching the news on television, “those raisins! They’re probably not raisins. “Look!”

He turned the sound up.

“...and police in London are still baffled by the theft of the famous Purple Golden Cabbage from the Tower of London’s Crown Jewels today. The thieves managed to switch off nine alarm systems and break through six inches of bullet-proof glass, only to leave the state crowns and jewels behind in favour of the priceless Purple Golden Cabbage. Chief Inspector Copper Cat is confident of catching the criminals who left a small pile of raisins behind, which are to be taken to a laboratory for testing.”

“Crikey,” said Fletcher.

“Blimey,” said Ives.

“Wow,” said Flossie.

“I like raisins,” said Mossie, “did you say we had some in the kitchen?”

“All yours mate,” said Fletcher, “they remind me of rabbit’s poop.”

“Uh-oh,” they all said at once. It could mean only one thing.

“We’ve been robbed!” wailed Fletcher, “Robbed by Robber Rabbit!”

2003-12-05T08:27:00.000Z

BWA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

God bless those puny humans at b3ta, especially Mr Sheep who made this:

2003-12-03T11:24:00.000Z

Question of the Day

"How do penguins have sex?"

Daddy penguin gets his mate to fly over mummy penguin in a helicopter.
Mummy watches helicopter fly over, leans back, falls over backwards and Daddy appears from behind a rock, hops on sharpish and pops her one.

I couldn't possibly comment.

EGG! AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!

2003-12-01T18:47:00.000Z

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Another one from the Twelve Days of Christmas wossname that's appearing in Web User magazine any time now.

Well... it IS December...

Greetings Puny Humans!

As a result of a bizarre misunderstanding and the exchange of five hundred pounds of your Earth money, it appears that myself and certain members of the Penguin Liberation Army comprise part of a gift to a young man from her “True Love”. Loverboy is now our hostage, and let me tell you, a penguin with his flipper on the trigger of an AK-47 is not to be messed with. We demand complete Penguin control of the United Nations, the abolition of cute Christmas cards with Penguins with bow-ties, thirty-seven tons of Grimsby fish and a jar of pickled onions within twenty-four hours or “True Love” gets boyfriend back in a milk carton.

Happy New Year,
Pengor (Penguin Liberation Army)

2003-11-27T16:22:00.000Z

Revenge of the fishs

That'll learn him - mpeg, a bit big.

2003-11-26T20:58:00.000Z

Oi! Keep it down, people are trying to sleep!

Ever wondered what a colony of penguins sounds like. Well, wonder no more dear reader, for here is a recording of your typical penguin family home. Christ on a bike, no wonder I moved away, it sound like my mother-in-law's place (no disrespect to the lovely Mrs Fishfinger, but she's not the most delicate of flightless birds).

2003-11-24T13:38:00.000Z

Another story debunked

Penguins do not fall over.

The only time I've ever fallen over in public is after twelve pints of extra-strong cider, and that was because some bastard tripped me up outside the Rajpoot Curry House for a laugh. I was nowhere near drunk, and all the voms were as a result of the concussion caused by this violent assualt on my person.

Delirious, I told everybody that "You're my best mate...BLEEEEEEURGH!", but that's the kind of thing you expect from a head injury. I can take my drink, unlike you puny humans, who'd roll around drunk just by taking the lid off a bottle of turps.

Skint, Again

Bloody Hell's teeth. The things a penguin's got to do for money. Laugh while you can, puny humans, for tomorrow you die! Painfully, on the end of a sharpened pecky beak.

2003-11-21T07:49:00.000Z

Mammon

Cute ickle penguins sell their souls to The Man.

Rat-a-tat-tat-tat.

That's not the advert. It's my AK-47. Splitters.

2003-11-20T22:06:00.000Z

Eclipse

Hey! Who turned the lights out?