Pengor: Penguin of Doom

Greetings puny humans. You are reading the day-to-day account of one super-intelligent penguin's attempts to take over the world and free the oppressed penguin masses. Penguin Liberation or death! Send more money and fish.




Pengor
Penguin Liberation:
It's not just about fish

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Friday, August 27, 2004

 

Ouch

OuchOuchOuchOuchOuchOuch.

Ouch.

Those badgers really know how to fight dirty. My plumage is all over the place, and it didn't help when a fish prematurely exploded in my face.

If we weren't already at war, this means war.

posted by Pengor at Friday, August 27, 2004
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Friday, August 20, 2004

 

Mushroom, mushroom

Greetings puny humans. What is it with badgers these days? Once upon a time cute cuddly little creatures, snuffling round the undergrowth and giving people TB, the next rampaging beasts mowing down old grannies in their Ford Mondeos while pumped up on drum'n'bass, planning the collapse of modern society and everything we hold dear with their newly-found friends in Al-Qaeda.

What happened to these formerly docile creatures? They weathered the scourge of near 100 per cent unemployment under the Thatcher government with good grace and dignity, and now, in the face of globalization and a xenophobic Bush foreign policy, they've got bored with making crop circles and writing indignant letters to The Times and taken arms against their human oppressors.

While we cower in our homes, highly trained ninja badgers have formed themselves into terrifying dojos, going round painting fences, walking with great stealth across ricepaper and beating the crap out of people in slow motion. And what the hell is David Blunkett doing about this menace? Shagging about, that's what.

Well, I for one, will not bow down before our new badger overlords, and have made it my life's work to prepare the world in the face of this stripy menace. Welcome, then, to my Dojo. Forget the Pengor of old - he no longer exists. Behold, now, Pengor-san master of the mysterious oriental art known to its adherants as The Way of the Exploding Fish. I'm a fifth Dan you know, which is complete bollocks, I've never met Dan in my life.

At last penguin and human-kind fighting together in harmony. They get the world. We get fish, which sounds a great deal to me. The war has begun, glasshopper.

posted by Pengor at Friday, August 20, 2004
0 comments

Thursday, August 12, 2004

 

Footie

If you want to get in the world these days, you've got to buy a football team. That rich geezer bought Chelsea as a front for his plan to take over the world with evil robot footie stars, and by God, we at the Penguin Liberation Army (Officials) are going to do the same.

Bit of a problem with the budget, mind. Chelsea bloke's got trillions from his oil, gas and aluminium empire, while all we've got is the contents of the bins behind Mac Fisheries, which the lovely, if ballooning Gloria Fishfinger is slowly working her way through.

Still, with our investment of 37p and as many fish heads as they can eat, there's no reason why St Winifird's School Choir Girls XI can't be up there with your Tottenham and Hove Uniteds and Manchester Wednesdays any time now.

Big match on Saturday against Dorchester County Hospital Children's Ward IX (two of them cried off with rabies, the wimps) in which I've picked myself to play up front in the Thierry Henry role. Only with fishs. And decidedly more talent, if you ask me.

posted by Pengor at Thursday, August 12, 2004
0 comments

Monday, August 02, 2004

 

Summer

God I love the hot weather -Fish-flavoured ice lollies all round!

 

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