Pengor: Penguin of Doom

Greetings puny humans. You are reading the day-to-day account of one super-intelligent penguin's attempts to take over the world and free the oppressed penguin masses. Penguin Liberation or death! Send more money and fish.

Penguin Liberation:
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Friday, August 20, 2004


Mushroom, mushroom

Greetings puny humans. What is it with badgers these days? Once upon a time cute cuddly little creatures, snuffling round the undergrowth and giving people TB, the next rampaging beasts mowing down old grannies in their Ford Mondeos while pumped up on drum'n'bass, planning the collapse of modern society and everything we hold dear with their newly-found friends in Al-Qaeda.

What happened to these formerly docile creatures? They weathered the scourge of near 100 per cent unemployment under the Thatcher government with good grace and dignity, and now, in the face of globalization and a xenophobic Bush foreign policy, they've got bored with making crop circles and writing indignant letters to The Times and taken arms against their human oppressors.

While we cower in our homes, highly trained ninja badgers have formed themselves into terrifying dojos, going round painting fences, walking with great stealth across ricepaper and beating the crap out of people in slow motion. And what the hell is David Blunkett doing about this menace? Shagging about, that's what.

Well, I for one, will not bow down before our new badger overlords, and have made it my life's work to prepare the world in the face of this stripy menace. Welcome, then, to my Dojo. Forget the Pengor of old - he no longer exists. Behold, now, Pengor-san master of the mysterious oriental art known to its adherants as The Way of the Exploding Fish. I'm a fifth Dan you know, which is complete bollocks, I've never met Dan in my life.

At last penguin and human-kind fighting together in harmony. They get the world. We get fish, which sounds a great deal to me. The war has begun, glasshopper.

posted by Pengor at Friday, August 20, 2004
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