Pengor: Penguin of Doom

Greetings puny humans. You are reading the day-to-day account of one super-intelligent penguin's attempts to take over the world and free the oppressed penguin masses. Penguin Liberation or death! Send more money and fish.

Penguin Liberation:
It's not just about fish

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Sunday, April 06, 2003



It's Sunday, so me and the Penguin Liberation Front (Officials) went to church. Someone told me that Jesus was "a fisher of souls" and that he hung around with fishermen, so you'd fully expect one or two spare fish lying around for a hungry penguin to snap up. But when we got there, were they giving away sackloads of fish to anyone with the decency to ask? You tell me. A fish free zone. Even the bread rolls were miniscule, and the queue for that went all the way to the back. The poor buggers must have left the place starving. No wonder they kept kneeling on the floor, they were looking for something to eat down there. And that's the trouble with organised religion these days, they just don't listen to the punters.

Come The Glorious Day of Penguin Liberation, the Church of the Holy Haddock will be giving out free fish to everybody, whether they want it or not. And first against the wall in the revolution: Derek Bloody Nimmo. What a crap fish-free vicar.

And while we're carping on about religion (carp - fish - geddit?) - this is my kind of news story:

The small Jewish Skver sect of Hasidim (New Square, N.Y.) was energized in March when a fishcutter in the sect (along with his Christian co-worker) swore they heard a 20-pound carp shout apocalyptic warnings in Hebrew. The co-worker thought the carp was merely Satanic, but Zalmen Rosen, 57, said the fish's soul was cautioning that the end is near, perhaps because of war in Iraq. Although the news spread throughout the community (aided by a feature in The New York Times), the carp itself met an inglorious end when the co-worker butchered it and sold it for gefilte fish. [New York Times, 3-14-03]

The Four Fishes of the Apocalypse! Doomed! We're DOOOMED!!!

posted by Pengor at Sunday, April 06, 2003
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